The Filthiest Bathroom

The notorious bathroom of CBGB's

    When this awful outbreak of the Covid-19 first came upon us, which seems like years now, there were a bunch of memes going around. They were photos of a graffiti covered bathroom, such as the one at CBGB’s, with a caption that reads, “If you’ve ever gone to the bathroom at CBGB's(or wherever) you’re immune to the coronavirus.” Yes these bathrooms were certainly disgusting. Hell, I’ve even been to the bathroom at CBGB’s and can attest to its unpleasantness. However, I’m sure at some point every morning or every other morning someone dragged a mop across the floor and threw some disinfectant into the toilet. But these disgusting meme bathrooms in no way compare to what I consider the worst bathroom I ever had to use.

    Back in my younger, naive days, way before I could ever imagine a time when a virus could shut down a whole country, I had a job as a parking lot attendant for Meyer’s Parking. It was in Manhattan at Pier 40, which was right by the West Side Highway at the end of Houston St. I worked the 12 midnight to 8 AM shift. My dad was worried about me taking that shift. I understood his worry but I wasn’t really concerned. Most of the customers at this parking lot were monthly customers that entered and left on their own accord with key cards. My job was really focused on the daily customers, those that would have to pull a ticket, park for however long, give the ticket to me upon leaving and pay whatever money it cost. During my whole time working that shift nothing of any consequence ever happened. At this lot, during the 12 AM to  8 AM shift, I hardly had any customers. Most of my customers I did have were guys taking sex workers up there for 15 minutes or so and people doing drugs. This was evidenced by the used condoms and empty crack vials that were left behind in that daily lot that was on the roof. Even after 2 AM on the weekend it was dead. Probably the busiest time I can remember was July 4th and even that was not that busy.

So do you get that I was bored out of my mind. To keep busy, sometimes I played handball or listened to music from a cheap radio really loud. Other times I just took naps in my uncomfortable attendant booth chair. Of course sometimes I had to go to the bathroom. Taking a piss was not a problem. I was instructed, unofficially, to go against the column by the chain link fence that was behind the tiny office. But where would I go if I had to do number two? I know you’re thinking, “I guess you used the filthiest bathroom.” That is correct. After all it is the title of this story.

They had told me about the bathroom, how bad it was. That is why they unofficially directed me to piss on the column. But how bad could it be?  Pier 40 was a huge pier. It was also a parking facility for buses and trucks, including 18 wheelers. There was commercial warehouse space and even some film studios. I believe “Bright Lights, Big City” starring Michael J Fox had been partly filmed there among other film projects. So I guess the bathroom was used by a lot of people. I’m sure that Michael J Fox never used it. But one night I had to use it. 

Pier 40-There was no green space when I worked there

The Meyer's parking entrance was on the left

    The walk from my attendant booth, through the parking entrance to the other entrance, the entrance for the trucks, was about 70 or 80 feet. Just a few feet after that was the door to the bathroom. I grabbed the door knob, turned it and opened the door. Immediately the stench hit me like a punch in the face. It was the most unholiest of smells. It was pure evil  And let me be clear, it wasn’t just the smell of shit. If it had been, that would have been welcomed. I mean bathrooms smell like shit because that’s what we do in there. This smell had a life force of its own. It was a combination of the worst smells imaginable. The smell of a port authority bathroom to the 10th power plus a huge garbage dump on a humid day. It had a power that once a certain olfactory level had been reached it would manifest itself into this demonic hellscape capable of bringing humankind to the brink of annihilation. What I’m saying is this was not a good smell. But I really had to go. I didn’t have any options other than sticking my butt over the pier and dumping into the Hudson River. 

    As I traveled further into this nightmare, I cursed my employer for not providing proper facilities. Weren’t there certain labor laws? In addition to the rancid smell, every inch of this bathroom, tiles, floor, sink, mirrors and doors had this sludge on it. Like the sludge you’d find at the bottom of a polluted river. I should have worn a hazmat suit. I walked to a stall and slowly opened the door. It was no worse than any other part of the bathroom and the smell was just as putrid. Surprisingly there was actually toilet paper in the stall. Of course I ripped off some length and put it on the toilet seat. Now to the moment of truth.

    I unsnapped my stupid parking attendant slacks, slowly sliding them down my legs as my ass found the toilet seat. I half expected some demon with sharp talons to pull me down through the toilet to my demise. This probably would have been a perfect time to grasp the rosary and recite the Lord’s Prayer. If I had been religious and had a rosary, I guess I would have. I looked down at my feet on the slimy, sludge caked floor. If I didn’t hurry up, I was sure the scum would begin to grow around my shoes and eventually engulf me like the blob. Finally I was done. I flushed the toilet with my foot, washed my hands and got the hell out of there.

    Sometimes I wonder to this day that while I was in that hell, that something may have gotten inside me. Something that has been slowly incubating and gestating. Something that one day shall burst forth from my chest like I was John Hurt in Alien. So if you're taking about filthy bathrooms and you’ve never been to this terror on the westside of Manhattan, you know not of what you speak.