Following Sean

    

    The other evening while scrolling for movies to watch I came across Following Sean, a documentary about filmmaker Ralph Arlyck, reconnecting with Sean Farrell, his subject from a short documentary he had made thirty years before in 1969, when Sean was 4 years old. The premise of that documentary, called Sean, was following and interviewing Sean in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco in 1969. In that documentary we see the camera following a barefoot Sean walking around the Haight with intercuts of an interview with Sean where he admits, among other things, to smoking and eating grass. Sean and his family had lived a few floors above Mr. Arlyck and he thought Sean would be a great subject for his film thesis at San Francisco State University. In Following Sean, released in 2005, we meet up with Sean in his early 30’s and get some background on his family's history and where they are today as well as Ralph’s family history and present day life. I did not expect that Following Sean would have had a very profound effect on me.

     I definitely was enamored by the fact the documentary takes place mostly in San Francisco,  a reason I decided to watch it in the first place. It had archival footage from the Haight-Ashbury scene in the late 60’s as well as present day(2005) San Francisco. I often wondered why I’m so drawn to San Francisco and the hippie era. I was actually born during the summer of love in 1967 although in New York City. As a young teenager in the early 80’s, I was definitely obsessed with the Woodstock generation. Most of the music I listened to then was of that era and I used to pretend and fantasize about living during that time, sometimes even playing dress up with clothes and accessories to make me into a flower child.

     It could also be that San Francisco and maybe California in general came to mean some sort of freedom.  “Go West, Young Man” and start a new adventure in that open and expansive part of the country. When I fantasize about being a teenager then, I dream of traveling there to be part of the Haight-Ashbury scene, the Grateful Dead/Jefferson Airplane scene, the “tune in, turn on and drop out “scene. It doesn't matter that the reality was many teenagers did flock there only to end up homeless as they had no real plan to support themselves. There are also a number of other instances throughout my life where I’ve had thoughts and fantasies of wanting to embrace this spirit of adventure or strongly identifying and living vicariously through those that did. In the beginning of Following Sean that was what Mr Arlyck narrates: how he took a chance and dropped into the middle of it all, in San Francisco in the late 60’s, making the trek all the way from New York. I feel somewhat envious as he talks about his decision to move there. I usually feel that same envy anytime I hear about someone making that trip to California, like If I read a story about someone who wanted to make it big in Hollywood. Regardless of whatever success they may or may not achieve, they took the chance and went for it.

     Maybe my father's enchantment and his desire to move there is another reason why I am drawn to the city by the bay. After my parents were divorced in the mid 80’s, he made several trips out there. I remember his apartment in New York had posters of the Golden Gate Bridge. He never did move out there. He got married a few years after that and they ended up moving to South Florida, a place his new wife wanted to go. He ended up living there until he passed away in 2018. Now I wonder why he never moved to San Francisco. Was it just to please his wife? Maybe it was out of some fear deep down about taking that chance. His parents had bought a house 20 years earlier not far from where he eventually ended up living so maybe it was familiar and less fearful. Maybe he didn’t have any fear at all and simply chose not to move to San Francisco.

     Despite some of its culture being slowly hollowed out as a result of gentrification and exorbitant rents, not just for apartments but for businesses as well, like the clubs, shops and restaurants that make neighborhoods funky and place you want to go, San Francisco is in fact beautiful and charming. I am mystified by its hills and houses, by The Golden Gate Bridge and The Transamerica Tower, by the cable cars and Alcatraz. I saw all these things when I finally made it to San Francisco in 2004 and again 15 years later in 2019. However, I think the reason Following Sean had such an impact on me is much more than my love of San Francisco. This film said something to me about my own life and my flaws.

     This film is about life, family and the choices that we make over the course of 10, 20 and 30 years. What are our ideals and goals? How do they change? Do they end up doing us good or hurting us? Do we end up having regrets? Can we live in this ever changing world, without compromising our values, or selling out or giving up. This is what the documentarian tries to uncover and he is just as much part of the movie as is Sean.

     He gives us his reasons for moving to San Francisco and then moving back to New York. He talks about his life and what he wants to accomplish against the realities of life and family. We first see black and white footage of his girlfriend Elisabeth from the late 60’s. They get married, have kids, have a career and grow apart. Seeing her age over thirty plus years reminded me of the photo series of the Brown sisters, the 4 sisters who were photographed every year for 40 years by Nicholas Nixon, the husband of one of the sisters. It’s hard for me not to mourn youth as I imagine it is for others even if as older and wiser people we might say we would never want to go back to a time when we were so crazy. Or maybe it’s not so much morning youth and the vitality that goes with it but the fact that every year we’re still here on earth is just a year closer to the inevitable. So maybe it’s not that I’m down on the fact I’ve got wrinkles and and am a little slower, it’s just that I’m closer to death. And then there is Sean’s father, Johnny Farrell.

     We all have some dreams growing up and certain values about how to to live. Maybe we give up some of our dreams and maybe we compromise our values. Maybe not. Sean’s father seemed to know his values very clearly. He wanted to be free from the modern constraints of life. Freedom from the man, from money, from things, even freedom from other people’s dependence on him. He makes all this clear in the film. But I think he also wanted freedom from intimacy and love, even though he probably never explicitly had that thought in his mind. I see myself, somewhat, in him. Though I was never part of any counter culture or tried to eschew societies norms like he did, I believe we were both afraid of making connections, of being intimate, of being vulnerable.

     I know I definitely think too much and spend time as I get older fearing I will regret life, that I’ve wasted it. Maybe I've thought this way is because as a young boy I saw the movie Papillon with Steve McQueen.  In one scene, Papillon is being held in solitary and has an hallucination. He is in the desert, very well dressed, professing his innocence to a group of 12 men sitting on chairs with another man dressed in red in the middle. (Jesus and the 12 apostles?) Papillon says, “I didn’t kill that pimp, I was framed.” The man in red says to him, “Your real crime has nothing to do with a pimp’s death. Your’s is the most terrible crime a human being can commit. I accuse you of a wasted life.” Papillon looks down for a second and then quickly responds “Guilty”. 

Papillon “I didn’t kill that pimp."

"Your’s is the most terrible crime a human being can commit. I accuse you of a wasted life.”

"Guilty."

     A very powerful and haunting scene that has always stuck with me. Sometimes I feel like I’ve psyched myself out by constantly thinking, “don’t waste your life, don’t waste your life. Have I? Has it become a self fulfilling prophecy? What things haven’t I done that I've really wanted to do but did not out of fear. I have done things that I've wanted to do and at times really lived in the moment. But there are also many things I haven’t done that I wanted to pursue. This seems to be truer in the past 10 years of my life. I’ve isolated myself and haven’t made true connections with people, haven’t been part of. I don’t mean isolating by just staying home, though I’ve certainly done that. I’ve been out and about with all kinds of people and feel like I’ve put up a facade and not let people see the real me or show any vulnerability. I feel like a lone wolf that doesn’t want to deal with relationships of any kind out of fear of intimacy. So at the end of Following Sean, that's what I see in Johnny Farrell, a lonely lone wolf. It seems compounded by the fact that he has to ask Sean for $5 for gas. Is he full of regret or sadness? Did he waste his life?  Of course I can’t say. It could just be me projecting my insecurities and regrets onto him. Consider however, that as a man who grew up in the 40’s and 50’s, he may not even be aware that he’s running from intimacy or that he’s not in touch with his feelings the way men are today. So if that’s the case, he may believe he’s doing fine and he’s lived the life he wanted to live. Regardless of whatever Johnny's true situation and feelings are, I saw myself in him and it reminds me that I have got to take action on my own behalf if I want to have the interactions and relationships that can truly make life wonderful. 

     That is why I moved back to Austin this past May. I wanted a connectedness that has been lost. I wanted to overcome fears of intimacy and vulnerability. I’m also aware of the saying,”wherever you go, there you are”. I could do this in Seattle right? I first moved to Austin from Seattle in 2016. I had hoped the move would buoy my spirits. I had hoped that because that’s what happened when I moved to Seattle from New York City in 2003. Though at that time my spirits were already up. I was so ready for that “Go West” adventure then. That first year in Seattle was one of the best times in my life and I foolishly expected my 2016 move to Austin would make me feel just as good even though I had been in a much better place mentally and spiritually in 2003 than 2016. Because of a few circumstances I ended up moving back to Seattle in 2017. Maybe fear had been the catalyst. Whereas I embraced everything in my new adventure in 2003, the 2016 move to Austin was not the same at all. With the Seattle move in 2003, I did not get a job for over 3 months and I broke my leg a mere 3 weeks of living in my new town and yet I was not worried or fearful at all. I said yes to everything and enthusiastically made new friends.  In 2016 I felt shame and regret and didn't faced those feelings. I knew everything wasn't peachy but I wasn't even aware of how bad a place I was in and no move would have changed that. I'm definitely better than that now and I had put a lot of thought into making, yet again, another 2,000 mile move. I even thoughtfully made a vision board. And to see this vision board come to fruition, I have to do the work to overcome fears or at least face them. I certainly didn’t expect that I would have the reaction I had when I chose to watch this movie. It really consumed my thoughts the rest of that night and the day after. I’m definitely glad I watched it. I mean how often do films make you feel this much? Ultimately I see it as uplifting despite all the things about a wasted life. If anything it served as a reminder to just keep swimming. 

     I’m not sure you can say this is a review of the movie. Even if I hadn’t related to the scenes of San Francisco and the identification with the subjects of getting old and living with the decisions you make or don't make, etc., I would have enjoyed it because of the “where are they now” theme. The movie reminded me of the Up series by Michael Apted (he recently passed away this year). Up documents English children who are seven years old every 7 years starting in 1964. The most recent installment was 63 Up when they’re 63 years old. Following Sean was released in 2005 so I wouldn't mind if Ralph Arlyck made a follow up film (what would it be called, Following Sean Again?). Is he still together with Elisabeth? How are his sons doing? Sean would be around 56 and his son would be over 21. Did he have more children? Did he get back together with Zhanna or get remarried? Most people would be curious about such things. Following Sean is much more than a good documentary. I was able to make a deep connection and ultimately experienced the humanity that Ralph Arlyck so thoughtfully immersed in his film.